The Fault In Our Stars Essay
It makes parents proud to see their child succeed, but there is a point when a parent’s own unfulfilled ambitions take over the child’s personal goals. In our modern society, it is socially accepted that the ‘best’ parents devote all of their attention to their child, which usually means one parent, typically the mother, has no job, goals, or dreams of their own. This much devotion may not be the most effective way of parenting because of the amount of pressure it puts on the child. This idea that a person’s own goals are no longer attainable once they become a parent may lead some parents to live out their own dreams through their children.
There is a fine line between parents who genuinely care about their children and want the best for them and parents who try to live out their own unfilled ambitions through their children. Psychologist Michael Austin believes living through children is a very prevalent issue in our society. He writes about his views in an article for Psychology Today. “I think most parents who care deeply for their children and strive to be good parents will at times struggle with living vicariously through their children.” (Michael W. Austin, Psychology Today) Of course, parents want their children to be successful at what they do, whether it be sports, acting, or academics, but it becomes a problem when the parents hopes and dreams take the place of the child’s personal ambitions. Elements Behavioral Health argues, “When our children are very young, they will do just about anything to get our approval.” (Elements Behavioral Health) Because young children are so eager to please, parents sometimes subconsciously direct their children to certain activities. “...even if we tell ourselves that we are not passing our own dreams on to them they are perfectly able to read our intentions and preferences and adjust their behavior and choices accordingly.” (Elements Behavioral Health) Because small children are still learning how to develop their own ideas, they rely mainly on social cues given by respected adults to guide their actions. “ If it makes us [parents] happy they will convince themselves that it is making them happy, too,” (Elements Behavioral Health) Early childhood is a crucial period of time where children are starting to make their own decisions about what makes them happy, and they will be influenced tremendously by their parents. Parents need to support their child as he or she develops independent ideas, or that child could become too dependant on getting approval from their parents.
Part of the problem is the societal pressure in the idea that parenthood is the greatest accomplishment in someones life, and that pursuing other things after you have a child would be selfish. Elements Behavioral Health discusses the issue. “Maybe you think that because you have children, it would be selfish of you to invest your time and energy in something that is mainly about you and not about them.” ( Elements Behavioral Health) It is not selfish to continue working towards your goals after you become a parent, in fact most children are inspired by parents who work towards their dreams. “...this perception is based on a mistaken idea about what our children actually expect from us. In truth, our kids want to see us do interesting, exciting, and unique things; it inspires them...” (Elements Behavioral Health) Children don’t want to feel like they were the reason that their parents couldn’t achieve their goals, because that puts a lot of pressure on the child to be perfect and give their parents something to live for. “...we are our kids’ most important role models, and when they see us achieving our goals and doing things that interest us, it makes them want to do the same.” (Elements Behavioral Health) It should not be that adults have to choose either parenthood or a career. Parents should remember that children will be more motivated to succeed if they are good role models, not if they are obsessive about every little thing their child does.
In the book The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, the main character Hazel, a teenager who is suffering from terminal cancer, feels a tremendous amount of pressure on her to stay alive so that she wouldn't ruin her mother’s dream of being a parent. “... although it occurred to me that Mom’s business was mostly me… Her primary reason for living and my primary reason for living were awfully entangled.” (142 - 143) Throughout the story, Hazel experiences stress because she feels like her mom is only living for her. In the story, Hazel reveals an incident when she almost dies due to fluid build up in her lungs, and she over hears her mom saying how sad she is that she wouldn't be a mom anymore. Hazel survives, but lives with this growing pressure that she is going to hurt her mom when she dies. Eventually, the pressure builds up and Hazel lashes out at her mother. “But I don’t need it Mom. I don’t need you like I used to. You’re the one who needs to get a life.” (255) Hazel’s mom then explains that she is studying to become a counselor and she didn’t tell Hazel because she felt selfish to picture her life without Hazel. But Hazel’s response was not what she had expected. “I nodded. I was crying. I couldn’t get over how happy I was, crying genuine tears of actual happiness for the first time in maybe forever, imagining my mom as Patrick. [therapist]” (298) Hazel felt relieved when she found out that her mom would be okay without her. Although Hazel is a fictional character, her situation is a very real representation of lif with over involved parents. Parents should remember that sometimes the best way to inspire children to be successful is following your own ambitions.
Of course parents will be crucial in shaping a child’s personal goals, but they need to be careful to not let their own unfulfilled ambitions become their child’s only goals. Parent’s should be happy for their children when they come up with their own goals and reach them, even if it is not what the parent would have choose to do. The easiest way for parents to do this is for them to continue striving for their own goals, and modeling success. Parents have always struggled with finding a balance between reaching their own goals and helping their children reach theirs.
Bibliography
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